Isn’t weird how we constantly fat shame ourselves? It can’t be helped. I try SUPER hard to stay positive. I’m about 30 lbs heavier than I’d like to be and I realize that’s not insane but it still sucks. It’s been a while since I’ve felt good about my body or shopping and I’m going wedding dress shopping this weekend.

All I can think about is how I’m going to go, pick out beautiful dresses, put them on, and cry when I see all the little details I hate being exaggerated in my mind. I KNOW we are our own worst critic. I do. It doesn’t change how that ends up making you cry uncontrollably and hate everything you put on.

I’m lucky; Sean loves me to pieces no matter what. I just don’t feel like he thinks I’m “sexy” though and that’s a bummer. I want to be looked at with that, “damn. That’s MY girl” look once in awhile. I can’t remember the last time I got that look.

Neither of us are the perfect weight or super ripped but it’s so much easier for a man. People don’t question a man with a beer belly. They don’t think less of them unless their incredibly obese. As a woman, we are expected to diet and exercise, get our nails done, shave our legs, and look at least wind blown wake up cute all the time.

I don’t. It’s also partially my fault. I’ve stopped making much of an effort. I wear sweatpants or leggings everyday because I can. I worked at places requiring business casual for a long time and now I can wear what I want. I take advantage of that and love being comfortable. On weekends, I do tend to get more dressed up when going out. By dressed up I mean I put on make up and do my hair a little better. I wear a cute top and boots with my leggings, maybe a cute scarf. I miss having a reason to get fancy and put that effort in but the few times a year I do, I always look in the mirror and think, “why did I bother? I have fat arms and this dress doesn’t help my belly.” The idea of finding clothes that make me feel good is such a chore.

What do you do to make yourself feel beautiful? I don’t remember. It used to be easy. Shopping used to be at least a little fun because buying clothes that made me feel good was easy when I was 125 lbs. I’m 5’2 and 155 lbs. I carry most of my weight in my legs and belly. Luckily, I do tend to gain weight evenly for the most part but when you’re this short, it shows.

I used to be an athlete. I did Muay Thai, fenced, did gymnastics for 14 years, had horseback riding, played baseball…you name it, I did it. Then you get older and get a desk job. You gain weight because you eat like you did when you were always doing stuff. I miss being that active but Muay Thai is expensive and I’m always tired after work. When the weather is nice I tend to be more active but it’s more hiking or just going for walks. It helps but it’s not enough. It’s been really hard to be motivated though. I just want to feel beautiful.

I want to find a wedding dress that makes me feel beautiful for a day. I want him to look at me when I walk up and smile so big it takes up his whole face. Maybe tear up because he can’t believe it’s me and he gets to marry me. I’m so excited I get to be his wife and I hope he is as excited too. I think he is, but I want him to think I’m perfect on that day. Even if it’s just for that day.

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